Hey You! Haley's back!
If you've been wondering where I've gone - because you haven't been following me -shame ;)
I had a pretty rough experience last year with my son being born at home with meconium aspiration leading to an emergency trip to two hospitals (almost losing his life) before ultimately landing in Riley's Children's Hospital at the NICU. It was a very traumatic and overall humbling experience.
Which leads me to today's topic - Overcoming Trauma (Trials).
Easily, I could have went deep into a mental health crisis - as I was honestly suffering alongside my child mentally and physically (I also hemorrhaged during this crisis). Mentally, I was in complete delusion. I was lost. I thought I was in an unreal world - that I was experiencing some realist dream. My girls were away from me, my newborn on his deathbed, some of the nurses telling me the worst possible outcomes. I had 1% hope left - which was basically none... and I wasn't sure if I was ever leaving. I didn't shower for days at the NICU because I wanted to be right next to my baby. I was still covered in blood and feces. There was so much that happened during my time there that writing it all out - and you reading it - would take me a bit of time.
And I'd just rather help you than do that! Lol.
Among the trial, I'm not going to sugar coat it - I suffered. I couldn't handle it. I was dying inside. I'm not sure how I made it through.
So if you're there, I totally understand.
Once my son started showing signs of improvement, I had SOME hope and relief. Not much - but I started noticing the other babies in the NICU. I really felt for these babies. My heart grew deeper for these lives.
In this experience, it's definitely changed me in various ways that are indescribable - including really cherishing my children on a whole new deeper level. AND other children's lives. How this plays out in the future - I'm not quite sure yet. But I know it will.
Maybe you're starting to wonder - how did you begin to heal?
I started by blaming myself. Yep, you heard it, lol - I took responsibility for the outcome - even though I'm sure it was out of my control. But in my head - I didn't provide a safe space for my child to be born even though many women are birthing at home safely all over the world (more thoughts on this in a later post/video).
But in that blame, I began talking to someone(s) I trusted (my father and my husband).
I told my father that I was having issues mentally - I was back in more of an anxiety prone state, hearing more intrusive thoughts and battling so many things in my mind (also being aware that I took antibiotics - killing off all the good bacteria I had created over time, you know that gut-brain connection).
To my husband, I told him I thought I had been punished, that I was to blame, that it was my fault. He assured me that it was something out of my control and helped me to look at the positive outcomes (he didn't die, he is here with us, he is safe now.)
Now this took a few conversations with both my father and my husband before I felt a SMALL sense of relief.
I then started talking about it out loud to other family members and friends. I just started sharing the story. It helped me to talk about it. To work through it. To hear it outloud and have people respond or just listen. Just processing the whole traumatic experience.
After all my chit-chatting - I began to rethink (rewrite) my story.
I began to think of the blessings. The fast labor. The healthy baby (outside of the meconium aspiration). The change of heart towards the medical industry. The angels of nurses. The new perspective of life. The change of heart. And that my baby is here, I am here, my family is together and we are thriving.
When we hit Justinian's first birthday, I had a deep cry going through his NICU pictures, which I never wanted taken - but I am glad we did, for his sake. And we celebrated BIG for his birthday and we all clapped after he blew out his candles and he was ecstatic and clapped with us. It was so awesome. I was SO happy and thrilled! We made it. We made it out of hell and to his first birthday - and he is thriving and I am here to enjoy it. It was such a joyful day.
Things not to overlook!
Throughout my time of healing, I also ate as well as possible (restoring that gut-brain connection)- I exercised often and at capacity (not trying to further hurt/stress myself), and attended church as often as I could or felt to - especially because my faith in myself and my God was wounded.
The Breakdown for Overcoming Trials (Trauma)
The Mind and the Spirit
Talk to Someone You Trust
I myself have a very hard time trusting others, so I can understand at an extreme level how hard it is to be vulnerable and talk about something such as a mental health issue. However, finding someone you trust to let these overwhelming thoughts and emotions out of your body will help you heal the poisonous aliments that you are holding onto and give you the space to replenish your inner world with something good.
Talk About it to Others
Once you've released the deep dark stuff, move to chit-chatting about your experience. At this point, it should feel a bit lighter and less emotional. Chit-chatting about the story in this way can clear out the last webs and lead you to finding the bright side of the situation that you went through.
Refute Intrusive Thoughts
Until you are fully healed, you are weak.
When you're mind and spirit is in the midst of trying to heal you will easily fall into mental (spiritual) traps if you are not careful. Until you are fully healed, it is best to be on guard. Mental flashbacks and thoughts that may not even be associated with the experience - but are just troubling factors you are not currently dealing with because you are still healing will need to be refuted. The best way to accomplish this is with the Jesus Prayer (Dear Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner.) Or to directly tell these thoughts to exit your mind and redirect your mind elsewhere.
Here are some examples I was struggling with;
"Tomorrow I am going to die"
No, you're not Haley, you are just scared of dying because you do not want to leave your children here without you to raise them, and this fear only came about because you almost died after labor, your children had to stay elsewhere and not see you for a few weeks and you had a lot of trauma with the NICU and your son almost dying.
All is well.
I would then take a deep breathe and focus on something in the present moment - playing with my children, going outside to exercise, seeking a task to remove my mind from the intrusive thoughts, accomplish a task. I would also say the Jesus prayer in my mind or out loud and do the sign of the cross upon myself if the thoughts still continued - each of these methods have served me well.
Rewrite Your Story
A quick story;
Once I volunteered for a Mental Health luncheon - where many patients came to eat and visit with each-other and one in particular man stood out to me.
This man had experienced some sort of head trauma and he wanted to tell me all about it. He had told me roughly that at one time, someone had thrown something and it hit him in the head. I couldn't quite understand the full story, as it was loud and his speech was slightly off, but what stood out to me was not only the large scar across his face and head, but that he told me this story repeatedly- like several times in a row - a constant thought in his head. It was saddening to me.
Now I don't claim to know his overall condition, but I do however believe that if someone had taken the time to help him heal and reframe his story, maybe - just maybe, he would have overcome what had happened to him and had been able to function just a bit better in this world.
I share this because I believe it's important not to be sucked into the trauma forever - and to try your best to find the light in all dark situations - now having said that, I know that I have my son with me here today - and I know many do not. And I am not discounting the grief that comes with that - I could taste it...
And I'm sure that that experience takes a LOT more work and time to just be able to function again. So please forgive me if you find what I am saying lacking -
But in my own situation and those who experienced something similar - I believe reframing-rewriting your story is very healing and helpful.
Do you best, overtime, to find the light in your story. Pick out the good things, rewrite it and find how you've grown in the darkness.
Revisit the Past one last time, then let it go.
Once you've came to a place where most (or hopefully all) of your intrusive thoughts and sadness have subsided, look at the past in all its darkness one last time and let it go - morphing it into the new-found light.
The Body
Get Grounded
Don't sit around. Idleness is the devils playtoy.
Do the mundane tasks. Work. Clean. Find small goals and accomplish them. Breathe deep. Count to 10 if you need to. Find something to bring you into the present moment.
Eat Nutritionally
Your gut-mind connection is IMPORTANT. You can not eat junk and feel and think well. You must feed your body nutritionally in order for your mind and body to be able to use it's tools (adrenals, thyroid, hormones, bones, cells, microbiome, organs etc) to function optimally. And who feels good after eating a whole quart of ice-cream after the dopamine subsides... maybe twinkies would have been a better example ;) I like ice-cream ok... lol
Move Often
Exercise. At least 20 minutes of zone cardio can drastically decrease your stress, elevate your mood and increase your wellness!
If you want to feel strong and courageous - lift or find someone who can teach you self defense. Both these things will make you feel undefeatable - challenging your mind and your body and helping you grow in muscles (BONUS; and get that toned and curvy look), in self-faith and courage.
Do Fun Things
Find something that makes you smile and/or laugh and do it more!
Find Achievable Goals
Find something small that you can strive for - whether its making your bed daily, accomplishing a short hike, or something bigger like volunteering for a charity or going on an adventure with your children. Make a list and mark it off.
Serve Others
Nothing makes you feel better than taking the focus off of yourself and your life and serving others. Which is why I do what I do :)
My to brief of a summary - cause I'm real good at dipping out (INFJ style;)
You can overcome your trauma. It just takes some integrative intentional work and time.
If you need help slaying your dragon keeping you from unlocking the door to your inner-kingdom. Please, reach out and let me help you!
I offer 1:1 coaching sessions (kind of like better-help, but integrative!) and complete life-changing packages.